I can't do this anymore. I'm tired of living this so-called life. I realize this sounds like teen angst, but it runs so much deeper. I feel I have no family to care for me, no loving hand to wipe my tears, no strong arms to hold me when I'm scared, no soft voice to gently whisper, "We'll get through this." It's not that I'm refusing to go on, I'm just tired of looking for answers that aren't there. I bought a pack of cigarettes today. I smoked one, and it tasted like burning shit. I guess it should. Punishment for giving in. I'm so lonely. I'm scared to reach out; I've done so too many times. My only reward is a sharp slap against the face from life or fate or whatever it's called. Noone has any answers, noone knows what to do. I want out. I'm not ready to not feel good again. I want to be able to smile for a whole day, and not think about my "family". I want to run, but there's nowhere to run, and even if there was, how would I get there? I have no car, no cash, no destination. I beg for answers, for guidance, but all is silent. I think I've forgotten how to listen. My thoughts are dark and racing, like starlings at dusk. They streak by, just low enough for me to see them (I see blood pouring from my hands)(I see a girl falling off of a building with a smile on her beautiful face)(I see my brakes and steering go out) and then they're gone, off to wait for another surprise swoop. Is this what depression feels like? I thought it was bad before. I feel greedy, and dirty for feeling like this. Like I'm just out for attention. Maybe I am. I miss feeling like everything could be fine, and better, and I miss smiles and kisses and hugs and... I'm rambling. I suppose that's what journals are for, though. For getting all of this out of my system. Except, it's still there, like tiny little scars, just waiting to open up again and fester and hurt. The only person who truly cares has to suffer with me, because she can't help me. She has no answers. I don't expect her to carry my burden, but still she does. She bends beside me and smiles as she yokes herself to my burden, helping me to carry it. She's the only reason I'm still here. I just hope she knows that I love her. That she is my light, my little angel. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to feel anymore. I don't want to live this way anymore. But I dont know what to do.